Deprecated: Function set_magic_quotes_runtime() is deprecated in C:\Inetpub\vhosts\\httpdocs\textpattern\lib\txplib_db.php on line 14 Memoirs of a Novice: Page 2

Just when the bastard is in your grasp... · 7270 days ago

I’m a great fan of fighting games. Hell, I take the opportunity to beat up my buddies in them any chance I get. In my home, I am the L347 fighting master. Guilty Gear… Budokai… any damn fighting game. That was until I met Sean Southwell [excuse the spelling if wrong]AKA, the “THE BLACK DEMOCRATIC BASTARD”. Formaly dubbed that after taking out many in halo, bringing much frustration to those who couldnt get vengence. I didnt have that pronlem becouse Im a sniper. Still, I never would have belived I’d end up in the same boat as those other poor fools, just in a diffrent type of game.

I sat on that chair that day, and got my rear end handed to me on a dinner plate… With white wine and sour bread… Never saw it coming. After being “destroyed”[literally, there is a one hit kill technique in guilty in which the announcer says “destroyed”] a few times, I figured that Sean had some sort of edge against me. After studying his technique I realized that my problem was his style. It was too similar to mine. I knew the only reason for my horrible win lose ratio on him was my inexperience. He had owned a copy of guilty gear. What the hell was I supposed to do, I was greatly unprepared for such rivalry. Playing with Jasser drops your need for training drastically, it true ya know… So I popped in guilty gear a few times a week, and did the insanly difficult mission modes. I managed to surpass a few befor getting frustrated. Trained a bit here and there… story modes… survival modes… mode’s mode… I was ready for a worthy human opponent. Then Sean came over with Josh. I let Sean and Josh play first. I had to watch him fight. Josh of coarse chose Cliff Underson, short guy with a giant steak-knife looking dragon buster… And Sean simply chose Sol Badguy. Now, I’ve read much on guilty gear, and it seems that there are charaters that do have great advantages over others… Sol being the most powerful in all that is kick ass. I realized that he did that alot. In project justice he always chose the main characters and bosses. Why didnt I see it then, is beyond me. It didnt matter anyways. I knew what to expect from each of the characters, no surprises for me… I hate surprises. Then I was up. I picked Chipp Zanuff, crazy kamikaze ninja. He chose Sol once more… The fight began dramatically. We parryed each others moves. We grappled after every block. Super moves were evaded like nothing! Slowly we weared each other down. Until Sean got in a lucky low kick and defeated me. As we continued our battle, I saw a reacurring pattern of lucky hits on his end, and unlucky mistakes on mine. When he agreed it was luck, I though he was kidding. Luck was an understatement.

He let me borrow project justice, probably after seeing the improvment in guilty as a result of training. It was the same reacurring theme. He picks strong character as an edge, and once I telegraph his moves into predictable patterns, luck picks his ass up and happily slams it on top of me. Still, Im not the type of person who sorely loses and complains about luck too often, but this was ridiculouse!! Friday, Sean’s last day here. Josh went home early seeing that we were going to play justice. He chose his little crew and I chose mine… Again I gain the upper hand, and by some miracle he wins. Finally, he dicides to chose some crap team made up of Momo, Yurika, and Nagare… NAGARE!? That swimming fairy tale? He fights in speedos for god sakes!!! Well I knew I couldnt lose, he said it himself… Momo was not a problem for me. But Yurika [strange enough] got lucky and won. I decided that Id have to get Nagare out of the way and concentrate on Yurika. but when the battle began, I didnt know what to do. Nagare was doing the most wildest things I’ve ever seen in a fighting game! Swimming in air and all! I had to bring the battle back to me! Using my best characters Roberto, Akira, and an added feature of Batsu… I unleashed my level 5 team up attack! Timing it perfectly so that the charge level around Roberto hit Nagare while doing his goofy combos. It so happens that he did his super move right in front of me. “No problem” I though to myself,“Theres no way in hell that his move would counter the level 5 team up of doom… Right?”...Wrong, that bastard accidently did Nagare’s arial move, sending him swim up to saftly. I can still see it vividly in my mind, the blast of light around Roberto as he unleased pure energy to commence the final combo, and that lucky bastard swims above me like peter pan mixed with the nutcracker…The room was filled with laughter. Mostly Seans. Soon, even I began to laugh. If only Josh were there to witness it. The epitome of luck. The bastard “swam” away from oncoming doom. I lost that match, and gave up on project justice for the night, and probably for ever… Sanitario…

— Jorge Vasquez



What? You want to play this weekend? NO WAY Crenshaw, every time we’ve ever played Battlefield 1942 you hit me with the jeep so often I had the Willys logo stamped on my forehead. Jerk. I’m not falling for it — what? You bought me a copy of the full retail game?

Well, okay Crenshaw, I accept your apology. And I might even believe that you wouldn’t ever hit me with the Jeep again, seeing as how generous you are. Okay, let’s play.

And so I found myself floating in the Pacific Ocean, standing on the flattop of the Enterprise, pacing nervously back and forth across the Tarmac. The Japs were out there, somewhere, and in the middle of our two Naval flotillas was the tiny island of Midway. Crenshaw was already on his way to the island, driving a few other Marines in his boat and screaming “Gung ho! Gung ho! Gung ho!” into the speakerphone.

I knew that by playing a naval map, Crenshaw wouldn’t be able to take me out with the Jeep. And when a torpedo plane spawned in front of me, I greedily stepped inside and roared the engines up to full throttle.

As I lifted off of the deck, reports were already coming in from the island. “Zeroes! Zeroes!” the marines shouted. “Those planes are killing us!”

The wide blue ocean rolled far beneath my plane. Below me and just to my right I could see our Battleship moving into position to attack a Japanese Battleship. Our men scurried across the decks; shells burst into the sea. But my mission was clear, repeated over and over on the radios by our desperate marines: “Sink the Carrier!”

In the distance I saw her — a flat gray line against the furious blue sea. I tilted my rudder over, then rolled hard to the left so as to come broadside against the monster. A nearby destroyer flying the rising sun moved slowly along her port bow, and antiaircraft shells started bursting around me, but I stayed the course. Torpedo away! Moments later my projectile slammed into the side of the Japanese carrier in a burst of red flame and angry white sea foam. But now the counter-attack was furious; I soared towards the clouds and turned hard to the left to dodge the maelstrom from the guns of the destroyer.

Slowly I pivoted high above the action, then lined myself up for the next run. Puffs of white smoke trailed from my fuselage, but I knew my old bird had plenty of fight left in her. For my next run I swooped down low, nearly clipping the ocean with my landing gear, an unexpected surprise for the enemy. The destroyer didn’t even see me in time to open fire on my way in. I let loose my torpedo and buzzed just a few feet over the deck of the enemy carrier, but didn’t even have a moment to revel in the destruction — I used my momentum to make a sharp left turn, then shot skyward. But my acrobatics didn’t fool the gunners on my way out. Black puffs of flak exploded around me. One explosion rocked my right wing, another blasted me so hard my cockpit shook. My engine sputtered; thick, black, oily smoke poured from gaping holes in my tail. I had just one more run, and I was going to make it count. I soared in a long, graceful turn.

Out of the sun I roared, my damaged engine squealing. By now the enemy had no illusions — antiaircraft guns on both the carrier and the destroyer opened fire on my position. As soon as I was within range I trigged off my torpedo. It cut through the air on its deadly mission. A moment later, my cockpit shattered. I bailed amidst a hail of gunfire! My plane exploded before my eyes, the flaming hulk roaring over the heads of the Japanese aggressors before tumbling wing-over-tail into the sea. My parachute opened just in time to cushion my fall into the roiling waves, but I got an excellent view of my final torpedo slamming into the exposed broadside of the Carrier. A plume of water and shrapnel burst hundreds of feet into the sky from the explosion.

The hated carrier was belching black smoke now, but it was still afloat. I could hear the screws chopping up the water and saw the beast start to lurch forward. I swam, beating my arms against the angry sea, knowing that I had to get aboard that thing and stop it or I would drown here in the middle of the unforgiving ocean.

Frantically I paddled, managing to catch the ladder just before she moved out of reach. With great difficulty I climbed up on deck, just in time to witness the Japanese planes respawning. I had to stop them! I scrambled forward on uneasy sea legs, the great smoking ship buckling underneath me. A Japanese pilot tried to stop me but I gunned him down point blank with my rifle. Fortunately for the mission I was an engineer: I dropped a pack of explosives under the first plane, two more under the second, and tossed another right into the gunner position of the third. Desperately I ran crookedly across the deck until I was safely out of range.

I turned to watch the devastation I was about to unleash. Three planes sat on the runway, and behind them four Japanese were running to my position. I lifted my detonator high. “Semper Fi!” I screamed.

Suddenly, I was POUNDED from behind. My view shifted as my face was pressed onto the deck, and I rolled over and over from some sort of impact. The last thing I saw was a jeep driving across the deck of the carrier, skittering to a halt beside the planes. Crenshaw was on the speaker phone, whooping with laughter.

I stormed angrily over to his office. “YOU HIT ME WITH A JEEP!” I boomed. “WHY did you HIT me with the JEEP!?”

“C’mon, give me some props!“ he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Do you know how hard it was to get an American Jeep up onto the deck of a Japanese aircraft carrier and hide it from you? I had to get most of our team and half of the Japs in on it. We’re talking Herculean effort here. Give the man some CREDIT!”

“You should’ve SEEN the look on his FACE!!” the Japanese players were typing. On Crenshaw’s screen they were jumping up and down and bobbing their heads in glee.

I hate you, Crenshaw. Did I ever mention that? Not premeditated righteous anger, either. No, Crenshaw … pure animal rage.

originally posted 9/15/2002 by as part of the ongoing series of game-related stories of “The Daily Victim”
Creators Dave “Fargo” Kosak (writing) and Mike “Gabriel” Krahulik (artwork[Penny-Arcade]), Lemeul “HotSoup” Pew (current enlisted artist)

— Josh Ricart


10 things I learned playing Halo · 7350 days ago

#10- Having the most kills doesn’t count if most of them are from the weakest player. #9- Hitting in the crotch does not have quite the same effect it does in real life. #8- Putting the three best players o­n the same team is not a good idea. #7- Keep the sniper rifle away from Jorge. #6- Driving a Warthog into the building is not a good idea. #5- Josh will always throw grenades before he dies. #4- Killing grapehead, even though cheap is still funny. #3- No matter how many times you run over Josh, he will always manage to sticky bomb you. #2- Jorge is the best sniper with a curfew #1- No matter how many racist comments Josh may say, Sean proved that black people are better than anyone else at Halo

— Jasser Sotelo


FTT2 on ROUS, Pre-Game Chat · 7353 days ago

And so, for about two weeks I had been practicing for FTT, a fight night for the server I play on. The night finally comes [on a day I woke up at 7, would have to the next day, and FFT started at eleven {ppl are west coast}] and red team [my team] shows up, but blue team is made up of about two guys. FFT finally was postponed for next week. However, in IRC while we were waiting to start the game, there was much chatting in the ROUS channel. Here’s a bit I saved from that night [the story is told by MDK]:

brb, fire in teh hole.
I sorta liked that movie
not only that
oh oh
it was the shiz
but i named the image
i have a good story
MDK:#rous attention whores listen up
because yahoo serious played young einstein
i was on my way here in my van, i was loadin up actually

and my brother threw a F*CKING GRENADE through my van window
no way
no lies
it didnt explode
but grenades are basically big hunks of metal
so it owned my window
is that like a SEX BOMB?
Did he pull the pin?
did you pull the pin and throw it back?
aid the powder is out of it
it CANT actually explode
but your window can
but its a real grenade… 7lbs of iron or whatever it is
doesn’t mean you couldn’t try
your brother = fucktard #2
it was grand though
and now he has to pay for it
i bet he felt like a big dumbass
you have no idea how dumb he was
yeah i bet he was disappointed it didnt explode
the last thing i said “dont throw it that way, you’ll hit the van”
the last thing he said “no it wont”
why were you guys even throwing it
he f*cking retarded
i told him not to.
i guess now we know who is fucktard #1
2 min?
i didnt throw it genios
its the kind of thing they throw into ppls laps around town, for shitz n
our f*cking referee is afk
that might be bad
screw marl
one of our subs can be it
marl and his cookie f*cking self
you know that pants is awol right?
let’s take that grenade and stick it up Marls ass
i did not know that
and pull out the pin so he can’t pull it out
who is ref, Marl?
yes Xw
pants went to the stanley cup… he’s not going to be coming.
that canadian f*cker
silly Canadian, eh
hockey sux
hockey != sport
it IS a sport
jsut not a fun one to watch
so… kevin will play
and your sub can ref?
‘i just saw the most awesome game of hockey….it was tied at 0 for 8548
kevin wasnt a sub
hockey is great once it becomes a free for all fight
he was supposed to be playing
and your sub can ref, but he can’t ref me,
even HDTV hockey sucks
so was razz
he can’t ref meeeee
its time
lets get our teams together

I found the story about the grenade to be rather amusing. The night was terrible though, we only played one map fully [owned blue team] and gave up by second map at which point we decided to postpone.

Note: ROUS [Rodent of Unusual Size] is a server for TeamFortress [Half Life]

— Josh Ricart